“Momsicles” and Diaper Apps: The Complexities of Intergenerational Relationships

Thoughts on Family Communication

Photo by Benjamin Elliott on Unsplash

Recently, I spent an afternoon with a girlfriend who got me thinking about intergenerational family communication. Micki, my friend and neighbor, had just returned home after spending a week in Minnesota with her daughter, son-in-law, and their new baby.

“Twenty years later and it turns out I don’t know anything about babies!” Micki joked when I asked how her visit went.

This was Micki’s third visit from California to Minnesota in four months, and I was impressed with her desire to support her daughter. I knew from experience that becoming a mom could feel overwhelming and that new parents needed help. Micki’s daughter was lucky to have such a devoted parent.

“Your daughter does realize that you managed to raise her from a baby, right?” I asked.

“You’d think that would count for something, but I’m not so sure… Baby care looks a whole lot different than when we did it twenty years ago.”

When I asked Micki to explain, she showed me pictures of her grandson sucking on a “momsicle”—breast milk frozen to a gadget that resembled a pacifier.

“Not a bad idea!” I laughed.

The image of the chubby-cheeked baby, his smile shiny with milk and spittle, was adorable. I’d heard the term “momsicle” used to describe an overly protective “mom,” someone who clung to their child in an exceedingly sweet or anxious way. Who knew that now a “momsicle” was a baby dessert?

Micki listed a long series of baby care advancements.

“Baby monitors don’t just relay sound,” she said, “they contain low light night vision so you can see the baby’s every move. Although I’m not so sure it’s a good thing, the contraption keeps my daughter from sleeping because she doesn’t want to take her eyes off the baby!”

And diaper advancements? Micki explained her grandson wore diapers with a sensor that triggered an app on her daughter’s phone to communicate “pee-pee” or “poo-poo.” These apps logged the baby’s digestive habits and earned parents rewards or discounts on diapers.

Weaning, she continued, also had a new set of rules. BLW (baby-led weaning) was “in” and rice cereal was “out.” Letting the baby gnaw on a chicken leg was “in,” mashing up vegetables into creamy substances was “out.”

Micki’s explanation of baby care trends was prime stand-up for grandmothers, but underneath her comedic descriptions, I heard the challenges associated with intergenerational family communication.

Communication among family members is a distinct type of interpersonal communication. Behavioral patterns—positive and negative—are formed over decades. Patterns can be verbal or nonverbal and reveal underlying social dynamics and family roles.

The Family Communication Patterns Theory (FCPT) by Koerner and Fitzpatrick suggests that family communication is shaped by two primary dimensions: conversation orientation (openness and frequency of communication) and conformity orientation (the degree to which family members adhere to shared beliefs and values).

When family dynamics shift, such as when a child becomes a parent or when a parent requires care from an adult child, traditional patterns are altered and orientations are challenged. For many of us, the intergenerational relationships we have with family members are complex. They can simultaneously be our most valued relationships and our most taxing.

As Ram Dass said,

“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

Strategies to improve family relationships are varied and usually include the sorts of recommendations you would expect: use active listening, employ empathy, apply dual perspective, and exercise emotional intelligence. Since culture impacts family communication, and the definition of family is diverse, there is no blueprint for how to do family communication just right.

When it comes to being a good grandparent, however, recommendations get more specific. Topping the list is to “avoid unsolicited parenting advice,” which I praised my friend Micki for employing. Even though there were times she had the urge to challenge her daughter’s parenting choices, she resisted, knowing that what her daughter needed more than advice was her respect and support.

As Micki and I talked about the way her growing family was changing, we considered how advancements in baby care technology add pressure to the lives of new parents. Diaper sensors, phone apps, and 24/7 YouTube videos sounded overwhelming to us. But the chance to be a grandparent? Incredible! And likely the most enjoyable intergenerational relationship ever invented since sharing family traditions and making fun memories comes with the job title.

“If I knew that being a grandparent was going to be this much fun,” Micki said, “I would have done it first!”

Has an intergenerational family relationship impacted your life? How did becoming a parent, or a grandparent, impact your understanding of family communication? Are there lessons you learned? I’d love to hear from you!