Turning the Page: 3 Strategies to Manage Difficult Emotions

Photo by Bethany Laird on Unsplash

When Americans voted to make Donald Trump the next President of the United States, I was beyond disappointed. A heavy, dark cloud gathered around me as I watched the ballot totals roll in and the U.S. map flicker red-blue-red on my television screen. Frustration, fear, sorrow, anger...these emotions surged from my personal cloud like lightning bolts. My heart cracked with each clap of election-news thunder.

With the inauguration just a week away, I am feeling renewed distress. Since we are about to witness the swearing-in of the 47th president—the first to be a felon—I decided to write this post on managing tough emotions.

Emotions are an integral part of being human; they shape our experiences, yet they are often difficult to define. Researchers suggest there are two basic kinds of emotions: those based on biology—instinctual and universal—and those learned through social interaction. Emotions also come in various forms; we may not feel a single emotion but rather a mix of several. Communication scholars define emotions as “experiences and interpretations of internal sensations shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experience.” When it comes to emotional states, there’s a lot happening, and many strategies exist for managing difficult emotions. Here are three that helped me turn the page on the difficult emotions I felt last November.

Acknowledge & Validate

Sorting through feelings can take time. When the storm is raging, we often lack the capacity to articulate emotional nuance. Our understanding of difficult experiences evolves through perspective-taking—the ability to see a situation from different viewpoints—and this typically happens incrementally.

A good starting point in managing difficult emotions is to keep the initial assessment simple. Step one is to acknowledge that these feelings exist. Step two: validate them. Try to identify the feelings and give yourself permission to feel them.

When it comes to negative emotions, I have to fight my tendency to pretend everything is fine. As a child, I was trained to put on a big smile and act happy, even when I wasn’t. To overcome this denial tendency, I conduct a quick self-assessment, asking myself, “Am I above or below the line?”

Take a look at this short assessment tool from The Conscious Leadership Group:

The answer to the assessment question helps me determine whether I am able to consciously respond (above the line) or more likely to unconsciously react (below the line). It helps me assess whether I am in a state of openness and creativity or feeling closed-off and certain. It clarifies whether I’m ready to employ additional management strategies, or if I need more time to sit with my feelings.

Refuel & Reach Out

Processing difficult emotional states, especially those that send me “below the line,” can take hours or days. Once I’ve acknowledged these emotions and allowed some time for them to de-escalate, I reach out to friends and family. Interpersonal communication scholars refer to this as maximizing facilitative emotions—doing things that cultivate connection and positive feelings. My favorites include talking to loved ones and exercising.

A few days after the election, I scheduled a brainstorming session with one of my adult daughters. We shared our feelings about the election. We also discussed national organizations such as the ACLU and Planned Parenthood, as well as organizations in our neighborhood such as Sister District Sacramento and Indivisible Sacramento.

Together, we explored ways to use our time and resources to support these and other progressive causes in our communities. Afterward, I went for an extra-long run, imagining the sweat on my face as medicinal—a natural way to purge the grief in my heart.

Generate New Perspective

After a few days, the shock of the election had worn off, but I still wasn’t feeling great. “How about a weekend in the mountains?” I suggested to my husband, Mark. “One where we unplug and leave our screens at home?”

Mark agreed, so we packed our bags and headed to Calaveras Big Trees State Park, just 90 minutes away. This familiar place has been a cherished destination for my family over the past 20 years. Nature is not only healing; it also offers perspective. Big Trees is renowned for its giant sequoias, the largest trees in the world. Standing beneath one of these majestic giants, gazing up at branches that rise approximately 26 stories high, shifts your perspective.

As Mark and I walked through Big Trees, feelings of awe began to overshadow my election disappointment.

Giant sequoias live for thousands of years—on average, well over 3,000. Their orange-brown bark is often scarred with black streaks. These trees endure many fires throughout their lifetimes, but eventually, the scars heal, and new bark coats their thick trunks. Inside, rings form—concentric circles of damage and growth—creating the powerful foundation required for a long life.

Perhaps the country is like these trees, I thought, the fires we endure make us stronger.

The United States is a young country, just 250 years old. I suspect the recent presidential election will leave many scars, and I have no idea how long it will take to heal, but I know I need to care for myself as the fire rages. I must monitor difficult emotions, stay connected to my support system, take care of my body, and work to generate new perspectives, new rings of growth.

There is no blueprint for how best to heal a broken heart, just strategies to consider. What strategies do you employ to manage difficult emotions? What helps you turn the page on a challenging experience? I’d love to hear from you!

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